...meaning I am a wimp. I'm about to do a slightly reflectively, slightly whiny, slightly emo little rant. If you don't want to hear it, but want some more concrete info. from me, skip to the astricks.
So... two nights ago, I went to bed pretty late, 11:50-something. This isn't too uncommon; neither is the fact that I check my email right before I turn off my computer. So, at almost midnight, I read an email from my English teacher from last year.
She's not coming back to my school.
If I wasn't an English-nut, I probably wouldn't have cared too much. If I was going to college next year, I probably wouldn't have cared too much. If I didn't think Mrs. O was one of the single best Literature teachers on the planet, as well as one of the best teachers in my high school, I probably wouldn't have cared too much. But these are all facts. Also: my sister, a non-avid-reader, was supposed to have her next year; Mrs. O started a Chinese arts and letters club that me and Sashimi were supposed to be in, and I would have been able to have a lot of fun with the three of them; Mrs. O is so hard to please, with our writing, that is, so I wanted to Wow her; she's a really funny, really cool teacher that just embodies what teaching Lit. should be like.
In her email, she told us{her AP Lang. class, '08-'09} that she wished us well, she got a new job teaching 8th graders{at a public school, where they'd pay her better}, and she'll miss us.
I cried when I finished scan-reading it.
I want to respond to her email later today, and to kindof hash out what I need to say, and what I should say to her, I'm telling you guys what I learned after thinking about that email. So bear with me a little longer...
I was a bit puzzled that I would /cry/ after finding out that a teacher I just had, and would never have a for a real class ever again, was leaving. Being sad was appropriate. Feeling sorry that the school couldn't keep her{I certainly would have doubled her salary if I was the administrator} was appropriate. Pitying Kait for not having her next year--- again appropriate. And even though I've been a crybaby my entire life, this was a bit much.
Granted, I did not bawl. I just teared up for a solid two minutes. But still, that's a little weird.
So I thought about this past year. *insert "Black Rose" by Trapt* I haven't felt close to my friends; my sister Kait has been my closest freind that I've gotten to see everyday; my TW mates either had 1 or no classes with me{or worse, didn't go to SIR}; "I" broke up with my 1st bf{it was mutual, really}; I've felt isolated and made myself isolated from anyone & everyone my own age. Its sucked.
What I didn't realize until reading that letter/email was that I had been utilizing a defense mechanism for this isolation all year long: I replaced my teachers for my friends.
I spent almost everyday afterschool in the Science Lab with my Chem teacher. Either I did hw, talked to her, or helped out the kids who came for hw-help from her. In the mornings, I hung out with "MamaBird", the TW nickname for my Frmn. Physics teacher. I did that afterschool sometimes as well; also I would visit Mr. F, my Theology teacher; Mrs. R, my old Alg2 teacher. I spent a good time in Mrs. M's room before going to my own history class; and of course, I tried to get to school extra early on the days I had Mrs. O first. That allowed me some short one-on-one talks with her... I really wish they had been longer.
I ended up spending every other minute with these teachers, trying to win their approval, soaking up their wisdom, laughing at they're course-centric jokes. Part of me thinks, Sheesh, that was pathetic. The other part recognizes the fact that I've always liked talking to "older" people; I almost always spent more time at the grown-up table than with the kids at parties and such. The adults were always more interesting.
School, neigh, life, just became another party... Play with the kids my age for a while, and when they got boring or immature, try and pour myself some soda in a wine glass, then go to the table or couches where all the adults talked. Be quiet, listen, laugh appropriately, learn. Learning's always what I've been good at... Not common sense, not communication, not human interaction... So what else would my brain do but this?
Part of me wants to tell Mrs. O how important it was for me to have her class this year: I learned so much, I remembered why I loved to read, I almost devoted the neccesary time to writing, and I needed her to be my friend. I knew she never really was... She has an omni-present, unreachable nature... but I still needed her company. She didn't always laugh at my "weird-nerd" or "rock-obsessed" jokes, but she did just often enought that I didn't feel alone.
I'm not sure how I'm to say it without sounding like a stalker, but yeah... I'm definitely going to miss her, and I'm definitely going to spam her email with my sh!t-writing...
by the way, my plan for this summer is to reconnect with all that's good in life and make an effort to un-ice myself{I know I mentioned this during lent, but now I'm gonna try even harder}. So wish me luck that I escape this "tombstone mentality" and "take my medicine"
*insert "Sound of Madness" by Shinedown*
END SOB STORY
****
In other news:
Playoffs are this weekend. I'm extremely excited, and have been all week. Please wish my team luck, and a few prayers... Start tommorow at 3PM Eastern time, and stop around 8PM Eastern... If I win the first game{3-4}, I get to play in the Super Bowl at 7. This is my last chance to win a Super Bowl, and I really think I can do it!!
I did not get to referee this week, though
So I'm going to have to pop by the stadium every so often to watch games.
I LOVE PLAYOFF WEEKEND!!!!!!!
***
Shopping....
The Borders Express near me is closing, so I've been on a streak of buying... Not really, but I wish I was. Later today I'm going to go up and buy myself some SDK manga, Inkheart, Heroine DIaries{on sale for $10!!!}, and ~
winxgirl21's list of stuffes.{including a book for her sister, ~
Coconut1995, who is my Naruto supplier}. Yay books! Yay refereeing and baby-sitting jobs!
I need to get ahold of Halestorm's new CD... anyone heard of it? ...But I need to fnish breaking down PapaRoach's Metamorphosis as well... oh the music!!
**
I'll be leaving for O.C. and "Girls' Week" with my mom, sister, Great Aunt, and 2nd cousin on Monday. I'm completely pumped, but probably won't be able to come here much. I'll try though...
*
WIP:
Poll says I should do some Fan Fiction soon... Well, do you guys want Pokemon or Naruto or HMD or something else? ...I'll get working on it, I sorta-almost-promis.
I also need to finish ~
krysofdeath's presant... the one I said I'd make last August... Whoopsie.
I'm going to spend tomorrow working on that, as well as doing tons of Background stuff for
rojectMuse:, the temporary name I'm using for the manga project... that might never be a manga...
Otherwise:
Self-portaits
Photos of Prom for my fellow refs{They're all like "Where's them pictures, huh? You need to bring them! We want to see! You bailed on us for it, and you're not even going to show us the pictures??"; I love my job}
~
pinkviolin's avatar
Pokemon crap... b/c I just remembered why I love it so much
That dang'ed LITHIUM!
Proesty, Please entry
AIDS awareness entry{this will get its own journal at the end of the month}
and other crap...
I loves you all, be careful, have a fantastic summer,The Power is Yours!, and GO GET 'EM TOP FLIGHT REDSKINS!!!!!
Three Doors Down
Euphoric
]
Pain
]
Love
Astonished
Agony
